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How to Cook Oatmeal

By: Derek Dong

Often times when you wake up in the morning – groggy, tired, and a little late – you just don’t want to cook something. So you throw open your fridge and realize that you literally can’t be bothered to actually get ingredients, warm up the stove, and cook something edible.

Thankfully, you look to your right, and find the superior food item you bought at costco with a 25% off your second purchase coupon: oatmeal. Why is oatmeal superior to every other breakfast food in every conceivable fashion? I’ll tell you why.

First off, most foods have texture. Some are hard, some are soft, some are chewy, and some are crunchy. Everyone has their own food preference on texture, so understandably, some people like some foods more than others. But, we do not have that problem with oatmeal. Want soft soupy oatmeal? Add two cups of liquid (water, milk, almond milk, etc.) per cup of oatmeal. Want dry, chewy oatmeal? One cup oatmeal one cup liquid. Want crunchy oatmeal? Sprinkle some raw oats on top of your oatmeal.

Furthermore, people also have opinions on taste. “But oatmeal tastes bad” one might say. Well for those uncouth barbarians, taste doesn’t actually matter in the morning. When our mouths are closed when we sleep, the bacteria inside consumes the protein in our spit, producing sulfur, and giving you bad breath and a numb mouth in the morning. Considering we are eating breakfast, everything tastes bad, not just oatmeal. Therefore, oatmeal is the superior breakfast food, and everyone should be eating more of it.

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